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crash_4_hope

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...x.o.x...Jared's...x.o.x... [10 Dec 2006|10:01am]
[ mood | worried ]

Today I'm at Jared's... I'm lonely.. :'(

*poke* *poke* *poke poke*

Nothing -ness -ness -ness -ness

-alone-

-all alone-




Said the:
(0)_(0)
(='-'=)
@(")(")
Wanna break a heart?

...x.o.x...Home again...x.o.x... [04 Dec 2006|09:09pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

Once upon a time, there was a happy universe, with happy bunnies, all living happily... Suddenly, this universe was destroyed...

So this is how lives supposed to be, great! That's just great... I see my boyfriend (fiance) twice a month for only a little over a day. In that time he had to go to work for 8 hours too. I'm just sick of never seeing him... I miss him now and I don't get to see him until the 19th if we can.
I feel like I walk in the door here and there's always more bad news. I felt like Jared didn't wanna kiss me cause he thought my mom would yell at him, he glazed over maybe to see if she was looking... idk she yelled at him for going in my room. Let me explain.. he was dropping me off after one of our visits, and like the gentleman he carried my bags upstairs to my room for me... Than, she bitches him out. I mean the fuck!
Whenever dad comes in he'll have some rude comment for me I just know it... If I'm lucky I'll be upstairs and since he's too lazy to seek me out he'll forget until tomorrow.

I'm looking for a new cd to burn some songs onto and I've found all these unlabeled cd's.. It's ok I like the songs on this one... I lost them on the computer when Danielle, my sister, rebooted it or something. Idk...

I'm just sick of never seeing Jared,.. I just wanna see him alot more.. or a little. I'm not picky, I'll take what I can get.

Wanna break a heart?

.x.o.x. Gay Cowboys .x.o.x. [12 Sep 2006|08:29pm]
unknownprincess07: are you a cowboy
demondistorted6166 Sistan: no
unknownprincess07: why are you frowning cause of that
unknownprincess07: cowboys are long lost spieces
demondistorted6166 Sistan: cowboys can gay
demondistorted6166 Sistan: are*
unknownprincess07: so
demondistorted6166 Sistan: so?
unknownprincess07: yeah so cowboys can be gay that is only because they are happy. Gay means happy
demondistorted6166 Sistan: thats what they want you to think
unknownprincess07: really who wants me think that
demondistorted6166 Sistan: them
unknownprincess07: who are them
demondistorted6166 Sistan: them
unknownprincess07: the evil people of the world
demondistorted6166 Sistan: yes
unknownprincess07: okay thank you
unknownprincess07: am i one of those evil people of the world
demondistorted6166 Sistan: idk yet
unknownprincess07: do you think I am ?
demondistorted6166 Sistan: *takes a sample of your blood*
demondistorted6166 Sistan: we'll know in about a week
unknownprincess07: *laughs* okay
unknownprincess07: So I will find out if am an evil person of the world next tuesday.
demondistorted6166 Sistan: yea, unless you know there are lab problems which almost never happen but hey there is a good chance that one in a million mistake will happen to your sample of blood
unknownprincess07: wow that is alot I hope there won't be cause i need to know.
demondistorted6166 Sistan: yea, but doctors know what they're doing so there are no worries
unknownprincess07: *smile*
demondistorted6166 Sistan: oh crap, the doctors miss labled your sample, *stabs you with a second needle, well you think it;s a different one the first one wasn't covered in rust* Second times a charm, or is that third time...hmm
unknownprincess07: *looks worried* I don't think needles are suppose to be cover in rust.
demondistorted6166 Sistan: oh while we were testing your evilness or lack of, we thought It'd be fun to test you for STD;s and well we only have one question, Who have you been fucking?
unknownprincess07: I haven't fucked anyone.
unknownprincess07: *looks scaried*
demondistorted6166 Sistan: Oh and you're 19, wow you're a dirty slut aren't you! Thats ALOT of people for your age, started young didn't you?
unknownprincess07: no I never found a nice guy to have sex with it.
demondistorted6166 Sistan: oh well that will cost $150 and we'll get back to you oh the evilness test
demondistorted6166 Sistan: oh do you need condoms today?
unknownprincess07: *laughs* sure brb
demondistorted6166 Sistan: ok you're new bill is $600 and we'll need that in cash
unknownprincess07: *pays the 600$*
unknownprincess07: there you gop
unknownprincess07: go*
demondistorted6166 Sistan: Please go into our waiting room for 1 hour before you leave...*Goes in the back room, gets nake and rolls around in the $600, redressed and watches you sit in the waiting room.*
unknownprincess07: *sits into the waiting room*
demondistorted6166 Sistan: *gets bored and plays video game... gets bored again and calls for a nurse... you hear load sounds from the wall behind you*
unknownprincess07: *starts getting scared*
demondistorted6166 Sistan: *gross guy enters waiting room* Hi, I'm Bob... Do you have a fuck buddy?
unknownprincess07: NO and I don't want one either
demondistorted6166 Sistan: *bob sits down next to you and rubs your leg* hi...
unknownprincess07: *hits him upside the head and moves*
demondistorted6166 Sistan: *two weeks later Bob files abuse charges on you, you lose you house and clothes. Fuck the law.*
unknownprincess07: am running around nake it now.
demondistorted6166 Sistan: *gets throw in jail for being naked in public, Sue forces you to do stuff with her*
unknownprincess07: *knocks sue out with hit on the head*
demondistorted6166 Sistan: *sue dies.. you get murder one and for some reason you're in texas*
unknownprincess07: what is murder one?
demondistorted6166 Sistan: means you're getting the chair
unknownprincess07: wow
unknownprincess07: am going to die. all to because of an evilness test which I never got the results for
demondistorted6166 Sistan: oh the result went to your old house
unknownprincess07: my one last wish is to get the results of that test.
demondistorted6166 Sistan: it said that they needed to redo the test because there were body fuilds from other people all over the back room.
demondistorted6166 Sistan: it's texas, they don't care
unknownprincess07: *starts cring^
demondistorted6166 Sistan: crying*
unknownprincess07: opps
demondistorted6166 Sistan: thats life
demondistorted6166 Sistan: and it's all because of the gay cowboys
unknownprincess07: *laughs*
demondistorted6166 Sistan: *As you wait in jail for the day they'll give you the chair you die, cause of that rusty needle which gave you aids... which was first used on a gay cowboy and then 15years later used on you*
unknownprincess07: *sits and think about all the things that went wrong with my life* it all started with saying gay means happy.
unknownprincess07: *realizes she is dead*
demondistorted6166 Sistan: lol
unknownprincess07: wow
demondistorted6166 Sistan: my life went kinda like that
Wanna break a heart?

.x.o.x. If you push them down first it's not helping .x.o.x. [13 Aug 2006|11:16am]
[ mood | bitchy ]

Ok so I'm kinda stressed today and can't sleep so I'm posting crap on here. Here are some pics I put together for some games I play. (http://www.popomundo.com and http://www.horseland.com) If you play either of these games or are gonna join cause I make them sound so cool let me know.

Newer horseland and popomundo picsCollapse )

Wanna break a heart?

[13 Aug 2006|10:28am]
[ mood | crying ]

I wish thinking of my gandpa didn't still make me cry, for what will be 8 year on the 9th.

2 Broken hearts| Wanna break a heart?

.x.o.x. Quitting... the easy way out .x.o.x. [03 Aug 2006|08:39pm]
So I just feel very very pissed off. So I got a job, it sucks but I went anyways... Sadly now I have no way to get to my job so I'm gonna quit. It's just easier than using my friends to drive me around and listening to my mom... "why'd you call off work, I'm gonna be home at 4:30.. I can take you.." "Mom it's 2:55, I needed to let them know by 3:00 if I couldn't come in, you said you'd call at 1:00 so I already called and canceled." "Well.. Call them back and tell them you can work." Blah, now she wants to go explain to my boss that my dad's sick and thats why I don't have a ride to work and can't find one. Blah, this is real life, doctor notes and notes from my mommy don't mean shit. So now she's trying (msg on her machine) to get ahold of a lady I work with, I've never met her that I know of. Oh well..

Now she's on the phone complaining cause I don't want to ride around with strangers... Sorry, I can't spell anymore because the program I used was lost when Danielle reformated the computer. I've been downloading my other programs back.

More people stole my pictures on horseland. I make pretty pretty pictures of horses and other people take them, fuck with the information half the time and if pisses me off. I have to like post all my info on them like 5 million times in order to stop it.

I must remember to call and make an appointment tomorrow to get poked in the girl parts, great fun.

Since I was pissed together I didn't kick Zaidon in the other side of the cage before cleaning it a little and giving him food and water. He didn't bite me, just really wanted some love. He really is a sweet animal.

fuck fuck fuck, la la la la, fuck fuck fuck, la la la la, fuck fuck fuck, la la la la, fuck fuck fuck, la la la la,
Wanna break a heart?

...x.o.x..Friends, family, and fiancés...x.o.x... [21 Jul 2006|03:13pm]
It's odd you wake up one morning and everythings different.

Today I went with a couple friends to a job interview and to do the drug test and all that junk. Well Angela, one of those friends is fighting (dumb, confusing story that I don't think anyone really understands...) with Jared, was were and it went fine. We didn't talk a lot about Jared but he was mentioned. The thing is Jared's pissed at me now and he just got off the phone from bitching at me. Whatever you know,... I keep tell him talk to her about it cause I don't want to be a go between, and always fucking up the story. It's dumb,... this is all just so dumb and childish.

Oh and I have these dumb tadpoles that I just wanna dump soap into. Lucky them I'm not that pissed or mean.
Wanna break a heart?

[12 Jul 2006|11:37am]
I cut a little deeper cause of you. T run to my heroes, your criminals. Yet, I love you. You hurt me and I love you. A little deeper please, just push a little harder please. Thank you, you make me bleed so nicely.

You tell me what love is. You hurt me and I'm still here. Maybe you were right cause I'm here, crying over you, crying over my love... and you're gone. I don't see us moving on together. I don't see myself moving on. I bled and you were no where... Asleep in your bed, as I cry knowing it's done. Why don't you want me still? Why didn't you call? You used to. It's over. Let's grow up and move on. YOu loved me cause I was there. I see that now and it hurts. You win, I give. Bye
1 Broken heart| Wanna break a heart?

...x.o.x... Crashing for me ...x.o.x... [28 Jun 2006|07:38pm]
You know how it is when someone says something or even promises something and it never happens. Well after awhile of the same things not happening you realize their just teasing you with it and you'll never get it. Over time you loose hope in it and learn to be realistic.

After 4 years of wanting one, I've given up on wanting a dog. It's not realistic for me anymore. I tried to adopt one and didn't get it because I don't have vet records... Now it's just at the point where you say, "fuck it, why do I even try?" Same thing happened when I wanted a horse. Only than it was my dad dragging me around to look at animals I would never have and now it's me and I'm teasing myself.

Now I'm looking online at wedding dresses and I know the one I want but why should I spend over $180 for a dress I'll wear maybe once. I kinda feel like I'm teasing myself with the idea of a beautiful wedding. I don't want one anymore. Just me and Jared, thats all I want... thats realistic isn't it?

I guess it's time to grow up; start driving, get a car, move out, get a job, make babies, get married.... not in the order.
Wanna break a heart?

...x.o.x...Something to believe in...x.o.x... [25 Jun 2006|12:37pm]
[ mood | calm ]

We all need someone to believe in, something to give us hope to get through the hard times. I was thinking last night. I'll got a good thing with Jared, so even though he makes me feel pissy lately I'll deal and wait for a better day.

Wanna break a heart?

...x.o.x... Crashing for something to believe in...x.o.x... [25 Jun 2006|01:09am]
[ mood | worried ]

06-24-06
I feel ignored, abused, lied to, and hurt. Coming home’s only an image in a far way dream; home is a fake idea. I walk in, am told what I missed, questioned why I’m there, and than ignored when I want to talk… fuck it, I’ll just say nothing to them. Instead I’ll lay my tears here and find home in my broken dreams.
So the story starts with Jared. (Duh! he’s the love of my life.) I love him and I miss him right now; he’s not here right now. Earlier I was pissed and kind of hated him; he was there. Why is it that I get pissed at him when he’s around and I miss him ALOT when he’s not around? Maybe I’m just frustrated with everything. Life’s not going as planned. I want out but I’m fucked then. Tonight I wanted to paint or cut. Either way it’s a way out; it makes things better if only for a little while.

Dad just stormed in and as “Where the hell have you been?” I asked with “If you ask nice I might answer.” He says, “you’re gonna need a different home pretty soon.”

This is what I come home to. Quite frankly I could use a shoulder to cry on because I don’t know if Jared and I are over or not. All my hope hasn’t helped. I stay because I hope it will change. I felt used to feel safe and right with him. He made me happy and everything felt right. Things aren’t right anymore. How long can I lie to myself and say I’m happy? How long can I do this? I have no out anymore. I can’t cut. I just don’t want to it hurts and worries the only people that see it and do love me. I don’t want to hurt anyone that would see it. I can’t paint. I have nothing to paint, nothing to drawing. I used to stare at nothing and see the world but the world is gone. The world shut down a long time ago. I want to paint, draw, whatever but when the papers out it’s gone and I’m blind in my mind. My last out, talking to a friend or family was out before I thought of it. This family is fake and my friends are gone. I don’t want to hurt Jared.
Oceans In Oblivionis a really pretty band. Music is kind of calming.
It hurts to go home to a place where you’re not wanted and people don’t even try to hide it anymore. I try to do things to make them happy and still be alive inside; that was a dumb plan. If we fake laugh long enough some day we’ll laugh for real… Nothings real.
I wish I could paint you an ocean and sky, land and love so beautiful because it’s not a lie. Somewhere that’s true, somewhere that’s real. But I’m not God and have no such power. Open your eyes. It’s not supposed to hurt this way. I don’t wanna grow up. I just want to go to bed and never wake up again. I’m back to hating going to bed cause I know tomorrows a new day. I know I’m going to wake up again and I’m going to have to live one more day. Tonight I’m crashing for hope that tomorrow I’ll be gone. But I’m powerless over that I can’t do that cause of him, because how he is, because I love Jared. I love that butt.
He’s sweet and means the world to me. Why is it that the things you love the most hurt you the most? Why did my world fall down?

*sighs* I shouldn't post this, I shouldn't post anything but it's my fucking journal and it helps to vent...

1 Broken heart| Wanna break a heart?

...x.o.x...The way love goes...x.o.x... [09 Jun 2006|08:15am]
How can you stop loving someone and if this emotion is so forgetable that you can simply stop then why do we hold it so highly? We, as human, want to be wanted; we want to be needed; we want to be loved. No one wants to be in a one sided relationship, they want to love the person they're with and have that person love them back.
Jared and I almost broke up again yesterday. Idk why even, he yelled at me, I was hurt and wanted to leave, he told me to never come back and give his ring back. I got my stuff and started trying to take the necklace off but failed to find the hook before he grabbed me and told me not to go. He has a temper, of course I do too, but it seemed like he wanted to be have the last word in...idk maybe thats it maybe he didn't mean it. Idk it still hurts...
Life isn't supposed to be like this,... it hurts. Whenever I'm alone I cry, about different things.
My dad's sick, he might need surgery again tomorrow or today. He jokes about it and talks about how he's dying. Mom says thats his way of dealing with it. But that hurts cause I don't want him to die and I'm scared he will.
Sometimes I wish this was a all a dream and I'm dying to wake up. Something like a coma. There are some things and people I'd miss though. Out of my friends, Jared and Angela are the only ones left. Everyone's gone... they're out in the world creating and destroying their own lifes and maybe even their friends lifes.
When Jared and I were fighting, he was so confused and it pissed him off. I believe thats kinda how Angela felt at one point. If I were her, now any guy that told me he loved me I would feel hurt and lied to. There are some things you never forget, the extremes; extreme love, hate, pain...
I'm gonna go make icons, pretty ones.
Wanna break a heart?

[20 Apr 2006|02:01am]
1 Broken heart| Wanna break a heart?

[12 Apr 2006|03:24am]
I wish, I wish I was a fish!
Wanna break a heart?

[06 Apr 2006|10:48am]
**..
Wanna break a heart?

reaching out for the one someone [28 Mar 2006|10:11pm]
[ mood | cold ]

I crashed before, Away I hide, we all crash at times...

I was doing ok until I picked up his shirt. His scent brought me to tears, knowing that he is gone. I don't feel like playing horseland. I just feel cold, hurt... There's no reason for these feelings, I mean he came to visit and we had so fun,... so why do I feel hurt, why does the thought of him bring me to tears? I've got alot of work due tomorrow...I should go...

Wanna break a heart?

[21 Mar 2006|01:51am]
Private updates are great! They're just the place you can go to yell and scream, kill small animals... and you know what? No one cares,... no one reads it and comments unless you let them. I'm off you the shower or bath.

"You know what happiness is? It's waking up in the middle of the night for no reason, shifting under the blankets and feeling the heart of the person next to you. You turn around and see them in their most peaceful and innocent state. You smile and gently kiss their face as not to wake them, turn back around and involuntarily grin. You feel an arm wrap around your waist and you know it doesnt get any better than this."
1 Broken heart| Wanna break a heart?

.x.No Comment.x. [05 Mar 2006|07:16pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

*growls* My parents bug me... this morning they called. Why? Id don't know. It ended with me hanging up on my dad. Their not here, they call like once a week or every couple weeks and most of the time my dad doesn't wanna talk to me. So I'm not gonna listen to him bugshit like he knows whats going on in my life.

I had a bad dream...blah.. my toes hurts, and my shoes still blinking... be back never

Wanna break a heart?

[02 Mar 2006|12:39am]
The green one is the first one i picked... he's cute

This egg hatches on February 1, 2006! Adopt one today!This egg hatches on February 1, 2006! Adopt one today!This egg hatches on February 1, 2006! Adopt one today!This egg hatches on February 1, 2006! Adopt one today!This egg hatches on February 1, 2006! Adopt one today!

This_egg_hatches_on_04/05/06!_Adopt_one_today_from_pickle-green.com/egraphics!This_egg_hatches_on_04/05/06!_Adopt_one_today_from_pickle-green.com/egraphics!This_egg_hatches_on_04/05/06!_Adopt_one_today_from_pickle-green.com/egraphics!This_egg_hatches_on_04/05/06!_Adopt_one_today_from_pickle-green.com/egraphics!This_egg_hatches_on_04/05/06!_Adopt_one_today_from_pickle-green.com/egraphics!

pick the blue one
Wanna break a heart?

...x.o.x...Fairytales; lies for children...x.o.x... [28 Feb 2006|12:35am]
[ mood | stressed ]

Why do fairytales anyways start with once apon a time and end with happily ever after? Lifes not like that. Our lifes don't start like that and they certainly don't end like that. In my mind all fairytales are are lies and false hope for children. They teach little boys and girls to act and want to be a certain way. But in the end it's all a lie because it won't always end up happilly ever after. Sometimes things aren't fine, sometimes no one gets saved, and sometimes the bad guys win. Fairytales make kids think nothing bad can ever happen. Then they do....

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1 Broken heart| Wanna break a heart?

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